19 May//

Yesterday I spent most of the day in floods of tears, on the phone to my Mum trying to understand what on earth God was doing. For those that know me well, I never cry. I'm one of those people that doesn't like others to know I'm weak, and tend to be the one that keeps a strong face for everybody else.

Yesterday I went to go and pick up one of my essay papers I had had to write about a month ago for my honours degree. Over the last three years I've struggled so badly with essay writing, alongside a whole ton of friends on my course who find exactly the same things difficult. I've never got above a C, and in the last year have only ever got D's. Even after meetings with lecturers, they've never really tried to help much in terms of my writing. 

This particular essay I had spent a long time over and had really worked hard for. So yesterday when I went to pick it up and saw the familiar D- sitting on the feedback page, and the comments that were all over the paper saying that it was 'disappointing' and 'first year work', I completely broke. I spent most of the walk back to the flat crying and asking God 'Why? Why am I never good enough?'. When I got back home, I sat and cried out to God saying that I was tired of never achieving what I needed to achieve. And when I finally phoned my Mum, we sat on the phone for 2 hours. 

It was pretty obvious during our conversation that the issue wasn't actually the grade, it was the feeling of never being good enough in anything. For a quite a long time, I've known that throughout my extended family a lack of self esteem has riddled us. And I'm no different, in that my outlook on life is that I'm not good enough to gain what I want to, and therefore is there any point trying?

Yesterday, we discussed the option of leaving this year having achieved a bachelors and not achieve the honours. This year I have to write a 10,000 word dissertation, to me, it sounds like the greatest nightmare anyone could ever have. Even though I have a subject planned that I'm interested in, I'm absolutely terrified that I will waste a year of study that will cost me in time and in finance and come out with an embarrassing degree.

I realise my God is good, faithful and that He knows me and my academic (or not so academic as it seems!) mind well. I also realise He knows what I need in my life right now and what way I should be going. I'm sitting tight waiting to hear Him speak on which way I should turn.

I do know this though, that even though self esteem problems have riddled my family over generations, that they are still sin. And the way I look down on myself is an insult to the way God has created me. I do know God has blessed me and given me gifts that I'm humbled to have and I'm so thankful for them. I don't want to let that sin riddle my life and affect my relationship with my Saviour.

I realise the more I look down on the things I can achieve, the more I hinder my God from working in and through me and using the gifts that He has blessed me with. 

I follow a Saviour who is beyond my understanding, and I want to freely allow Him to move in and through me, even in my weaknesses, to achieve the things He wants to achieve through me! Not what I tell myself I have to gain, but rather what He would want in me. Because, what could me more important than His glory?