He holds the whole world in his hands!

Hey Guys,

Now is probably not the best time for me to be sitting here typing up my new blog entry. I've just got back from work, and am listening to the an album that makes me want to cry nearly every time I listen to it! Fun stuff! =P

Well things are busy here, life is busy, work is busy, my world is just in different places.

In the last month and a bit, I haven't even managed to answer back to a 'How are you?' with the words, 'I'm awesome!' Truth is, since I started getting as uberly busy as I have been with work etc, I've not been the same at all.

So for everyone that has been around me and is wondering why Eli is not the same old 'her', it's just likely she's not slept for long enough! =P

Things are real tough at the moment, and as much as I say I'm drawing closer to God, I can't defy how much pain and tiredness are in my heart right now.

Maybe some of you haven't felt what I'm feeling now, but it's the absolute sense of being too tired to carry on. Every part of what energy I have had seems to have left me, and I'm still pushing myself to move. It all feels like such a strain.

See the things is, I really do sometimes question why an earth God brings me to some things; and truth is, sometimes (most of the time), I really don't understand why an earth He thinks its a good idea. But to understand life and all its hardships- and its blessings, we need to understand the character of God as fully as we can.

You know that wee song we used to all sing when we were wee-ain's? The "He's got the whole world in his hands?... He's got the tiny little baby in His hands, He's got you and me brother in His hands"... how I underestimated that as a kid!

There have been moments over the last few weeks, where I've sat, cried my heart out to God and tried to understand why He wants me in so much despair. The more I take time to sit with the Lord, and spill all the worries on my heart into His beautiful hands, the more I understand the capability of the hands, and the heart of the God who they belong to.

You know, its so weird. When I was small, crying was never really a feeling as much as an acknowledgment of anger. I wasn't really one for crying on my parents shoulders- anger was my key emotion, and when the time came that I didn't have anything to take my anger out on, the tears would fall.

As I got older, things started to change a little, when I came to the Lord, anger was really removed from my heart (sure, I have moments when my anger still boils up inside me, but not often) but that made me as a person even more resilient to lock up my emotions inside.

I can honestly say, not a lot of my friends have come into contact with an 'Emotional Eli', not because I don't want them to know about my secret feelings, but simply because even in the hard points of life, even in the moments I feel like screaming my head off, and causing a scene- I know that God has simply pushed me to come to Him first, and pour out my heart to Him.

And you know, honestly, for a very long time, I haven't done that with my Saviour. Sat for a while, and cried my eyes out- and given all my worries and despairs to Him. I think I just got to a stage in my life where I didn't think tears where needed. But the last month has probed me into taking that time, just to cry with my Father.

And every tear that falls, I know he holds in His hands, "the hands that hold the world", and he understands each one. He has a deep connection with his children when they bring to Him, not just their problems, their hardships and inabilities, their passions and their ambitions, but actually when they come to Him with a bare heart, that reveals not only their life, but their heart felt emotions, that show God's clear and intricate creation. He created life; humanity he created with a unique ability to feel. Whether it be pain, or happiness; He knew that the love He so passionately felt for us, we should also have the chance to feel for Him.

So today, I have had such an empty void filling me, probably caused by so many tears in so little time- however, the Lord has been welcoming me in to His arms each and every moment of the day. He constantly wraps His arms around me, and understands my pain. My Saviour longs for my heart to be revealed to Him, not just through good times, but also through the bad. So that my hurt will allow me to understand just how much my God loves me, wants me to trust Him, and wants me to share a part of the real Eli with Him each and every day.

The song "He holds the whole world in His hands", just possesses so much more truth in it now that I think on those lyrics. You see, despite my own problems, and my own faith, I know that as a world, the God of my Heart, is holding out His hands, knowing that as a sinful people- we are also His. And that beyond tears, beyond pain and beyond any situation, His hands are enfolding each and every one of us. You see, God is King, and He reigns- He craves for us as a nation- as a country and as a world to share with him our hearts, because since the world began, the creator of the world simply wanted us also, to share in His heart too.

All the way the Saviour leads me.

There have been so many points where I've felt like giving up. Where I've felt like dropping everything and running ten thousand miles just to stop, and to think.

For the last week, all I've been wanting is a get-out. A fire exit door that can be used when I feel so entirely overwhelmed with hurt and stress.

But then I know that even with the heat of the fire, I can still survive.

"All the way the Saviour leads me."

I know the touch of his hand against my shoulder, urging me to go ahead, with Him at my side. Against all the storming heat of the fire - with the smoke and debreyy seemingly blocking all pathways before me, I can feel His presence. His inexplainable comfort whilst he tells me "It'll all be okay." And as I push my way through, sometimes even picking up small burns on the way - little etchings of hurt and turmoil - I start to see clearer through the influx of smoke before me. I can see a pathway ahead; I know I've been on this path for a reason. He doesn't leave me.

Even when I can't see a way forward, He continues to walk with me, shoulder to shoulder. I can hear His voice, even with the spluttering of sparkling flames, and the choke of the walls falling down all around me. He stays the same. He remains steadfast, and doesn't let me fall down even with the heat.

He keeps encouraging me forward, baby step at a time. I recognise He knows best. Trust. I really do trust Him. Sometimes I look behind me, even for an instant, and I see a glimpse of the past- the dark, grimy walls so attacked by the smoke; but when I start to turn my face again to the pathway ahead, I see instantly the walls behind completely fall. The past is forgotten. God's peace rests on me.

Sometimes the smoke and fire calms down- and sometimes the light of the dark room I seem to be in, grows. There is hope all around. At other points, I feel claustrophobic by the engulfing flames.

So much hurt. So much pain. All around me, the walls, the light, the flames; they all change. Sometimes there is even a slight twist in the pathway and I don't understand where it is going.

Yet, He constantly leads me. Through all of the darkness and all of the hopelessness, He takes me to the target. He brings me closer. He constantly holds my hand, telling me that it will all be "alright". 

I finally understand looking into His eyes, His faithful, beautiful eyes- the eyes of a Saviour - that as He takes me through even the hard times, the pathway, leading me through life, the steps are bringing me to His heart.

He carries me, closer and closer to His heart.

I know His goodness and Mercy have followed me.

You led me Lord, You lead me now.

Your goodness and mercy are with me, around me, In me. 

I step closer and closer to Your heart.

=)

I'm so sorry to everyone I'm finding it hard to keep up with! Trust me, there's more than a few! With working full time, even in the time I have off- I get so tired... so, big apology to those who have been expecting replies! You will get them. Just not immediately!

Hope everyone is doing greaaaaat. =D I miss all our chats loads! If you read the blog below, you'll know that work so far is a little hard, but I know God's promising a year of training ahead. And of complete devotion to Him.

So... don't take it personally if you don't hear back from me in a while. I'm either busy at work, Very tired... Or just can't be bothered with Bebo! =P I sometimes sign on and just see what's happening on the 'home'... but apart from that, I don't always get time to reply to all comments/mails!

So... Big hey to those who I havent spoken to in a while- drop me a mail (if you already haven't) and I WILL reply at some point!! Promise ;)

God's been teaching me a lot already in the last month, and a lot of its been tough lessons, but he's moulding me into a better person day by day. I'm learning to be patient and graceful in the face of so many trials and hardships.

I just want to encourage you to step out of your door each day, into your school, your church, your job, college/uni (you name it...) and go out knowing that today could be your last day. I love that part of the Bible where Jesus explains that tomorrow will take care of itself. If we don't practice the fruits of the spirit in our own lives- in our own situations, then we'll never get anywhere.

Jesus teaches that in any situation, we're to be like Him. We're to react to things in the best way and always be kind of heart. When we're truly like that, the fruits of the spirit really do take shape. They become the essence of who we are and they constantly give off a fragrance that mirrors a heart on fire for God.

When we walk out of our doors, we should await not only a beautiful collision of goodness within, but also an openness to work with, to listen to, to talk with, others who we come into contact with.

See, the fruits of the spirit are not all about restrictions, they are the very seeds planted in our hearts that blossom and make us the most transparently luminous Christians out there. The true fruits of the spirit are what make people who have chosen Jesus, totally alive and different from the rest.