Over the last year, just about everything has gone wrong- there's been a new battle every week, a new pain to try and deal with. And over the last month, I can't even describe how much I have felt alone, worn-out and unable to cope.
I guess this could be the normal blog about how faith has pulled me through all, and how trust has been the key ingredient in getting through the last few weeks in particular.
Well, it's not going to be one of those blogs.
Every day, its really surprised me how much I've been able to face the day with still a garbage bag of pain at my side. Actually, to be honest, I don't quite understand how exactly I've managed to do it. Truth be told, its actually God that's grabbed my hand in the morning and called me to get on with what the day might hold. That verse, "Tomorrow will take care of itself" is so fitting right now- I'm living my life a moment at a time, I have no idea what will be next, what tomorrow will hold. Even though a plan might be made, I can't predict tomorrows steps.
I think a lot of people kind of get a bit freaked out when they think that their life will just be put in the basket of "live it how it comes", but for us, that is true faith.
Why? Well, putting everything in Jesus' hands is not only trusting those hands, but also having faith in his planning, his chosen pathways and his decisions.
See, it goes far beyond "a-day-at-a-time-sort-of-choice", God knows our end from our beginning.
I was sitting in my bedroom just remembering everything that Jesus has got me to give up, and yet also remembering everything he also is blessing me with and has blessed me with. I think its so hard, even within faith, to praise God for the things that hurt most. The things we got so used to- people we loved who we then lose, worldly objects or experiences, that we so want to have again. And yet, faith. God brings us to a simple decision.
We either look towards to the cross, or look to the world.
It's been so excruciatingly hard for me over the last while to concentrate on that cross. I think I've just got so caught up in that messy world that is following me round in the garbage bag. I recognise what pain is every day, because its become such a normality.
But do I recognise the blessing of that infinitely glorious cross? We spend so much time trying to let people know that we actually are being faithful by understanding that God is with us. That he has pulled us out of the muddy situation we're in.
It's not wrong to believe that at all- because God does, has and will save us from any situation(s). But it goes far beyond that.
See, faith in the darkness of pain, is the very announcement to God, that we will look beyond each moment, each tear, even the pain of tomorrow's trials, and look towards the cross.
Maybe I've become so used to spotting my pain, and the mucky places God has brought me to, that I've forgotten his blessings. Would I change the things that have happened? - Not even slightly. I recognise God has my life in His hands, its not something I need to worry about.
But, I place a simple faith into the hands of the Saviour, He alone is capable of my life, capable of my tears and capable of what tomorrow holds. I want to be a daughter who never loses the sight of the sun in the darkness of a storm.
The cross before me.
The world behind me.
There will be no turning back- no turning back.
